"Dad, what makes girls like you?" My twelve year old was almost eleven when he asked me this question.
My mind raced. I’ve been waiting years for this moment. I know all the right answers about respect, and being a gentleman, listening to them, and honoring their requests; taking a genuine interest in them. I’m ready.
But God I love my son. He's amazing. I thought a long moment about the tricky road ahead for him...
And then I went totally off script. I ditched all my pre-fabricated socially acceptable answers, and I decided to try to tell him the truth… at least I started the journey of this truth and I’m still on it with him and his two younger brothers.
“Well son, first of all, let me tell you what DOESN'T make them like you: Being nice, being polite, doing things for them, carrying their stuff or moving their things, especially doing silly things they ask you to do at school; NONE of that stuff makes them like you. In fact, in some ways it has the opposite effect, but that’s not really the point. Don't get me wrong, YOU have to own who you are. If you are polite, and a gentleman, then you open doors, perhaps help a lady with her coat, and you see me often take the arm of an elderly woman into or out of a building. That’s who I am. But NONE of that makes Mom like me, it’s just who I am. If I expected her to like me every time I open the car door, then that’s just manipulative and stupid. Now, I like to believe that Mom loves me for the man that I am, and being helpful and polite is part of that larger whole, but Mom doesn’t like me for being nice and polite. That's just who I try to be, and believe me, there are better reasons.”
That was a mouthful, so I expected him to take a minute to digest. Nope. He didn't miss a beat, “Well then what does make girls like you?”
I paused a beat, took a breath.
“OK, here we go. There are two parts. The first thing is, just don’t NEED them to like you.” Here he looks up at me like I’m crazy. I meet his eyes and look right into them. I let him feel how deep that idea is. This is that moment where his nascent man-brain begins to unfold this tragic realization: That the path of a man is not one of neediness.
I see the fear grow in his eyes. Uh oh, here we go.
“I know, that feels impossible doesn’t it?” I chuckle. I slow down, and look at him letting him see some of my painful sincerity, “And some days it really is impossible...”
Here I sink into the feeling of how hard I work on that neediness equation every day. The tonality of my voice thickens a bit. “But..., if you NEED them to like you..." I let it hang.
"Then what do they really need me for..." not exactly where I was going, but his eyes clicked, his brain locked, and he got it. And the realization of the impossibility of it deepened. I put my hand on his shoulder and visualized my open heart. I visualized my wife who really does love him unconditionally, and whom sometimes I feel like I need.
“It’s going to be fine son. You’re going to be fine. This one can take a lifetime. And luckily, younger ladies feel this less, and it becomes more important as everyone gets older. But even younger girls your age and teenagers, will be more attracted to the boys that are less needy."
I pause here a moment. "Also, you notice that Mom and I teach you how to connect to the Divine Feminine. This will make it so that you won’t feel so crazy if you don’t have a date or if you lose a girlfriend. You won’t feel so dependent and be like one of those guys that always needs a woman and cannot be comfortable within himself. If you learn this and pay attention to it, you will be interesting to women and command the respect of men." I let that hang out there.
“Anyway, I’ve probably loaded you up too much already…”
“Yeah,” he says looking up at me with his eyebrows raised and crooked smirk (smartalec), “You still really haven’t told me anything about how to make girls like you.”
I laughed out loud, “Thats right, because there is no way to MAKE girls like you, you just have to be awesome.” I’m still laughing by the way. He's not happy.
Now he’s really had it. He's mad. He's feeling like he's been fooled.
“Daaaaa…..d” he whines and chortles like a braying lamb….
I slow down, I put my hand back on his shoulder, and I put my other hand on his heart. I slow down. I’ll wait until he looks up. Damn he takes a long time to look up into my eyes. I’m on treacherous ground here; I'm a bit of a teaser, so he's not sure how this is going to go.
“Look, it’s not that bad. To be awesome, what you have to learn in this life is how the Universe works, and I know that sounds crazy, but if you boil it down, it’s as simple as how things go together, and how things come apart.” He’s still puzzled, but the dude’s wicked smart, so I’m just going on a little bit of a leap here.
I'm not sure if it's inspiration or frustration: “Look son, build s**t. Blow s**t up.” I’m gesticulating with my hands, showing the fingers splayed out and interlocking the two hands together, as I explain, “Build things.” And then I pull them apart and say, “...and take them apart, blow them up.”
I run through it a few more times because somehow I think that one more time interlacing my splayed fingers together and apart will make this simple to understand for him.
“Really apply yourself son, and learn how things go together. Learn how they work. Often this will require you to take things apart. Do it. Blow stuff up, take it apart, see its guts. As you learn how things go together, you’ll build more complicated things. You’ll rally your friends and organize them into building even bigger things, and then you need to understand how they come apart. So the boiled-down version is like this: Build s**t. Blow s**t up. Build bigger, and more complex things. Have bigger explosions."
I know I’ve popped his brain a bit, so I’m trying to tie this off.
“Son, it’s all going to be ok, and it’s not actually complicated... rather it’s just difficult in very real ways that will help you to learn and grow in life. So let’s review: First, don’t NEED them to like you. Be your own guy on your own grounded feet. We'll keep talking about what grounded feels like."
My mind raced. I’ve been waiting years for this moment. I know all the right answers about respect, and being a gentleman, listening to them, and honoring their requests; taking a genuine interest in them. I’m ready.
But God I love my son. He's amazing. I thought a long moment about the tricky road ahead for him...
And then I went totally off script. I ditched all my pre-fabricated socially acceptable answers, and I decided to try to tell him the truth… at least I started the journey of this truth and I’m still on it with him and his two younger brothers.
“Well son, first of all, let me tell you what DOESN'T make them like you: Being nice, being polite, doing things for them, carrying their stuff or moving their things, especially doing silly things they ask you to do at school; NONE of that stuff makes them like you. In fact, in some ways it has the opposite effect, but that’s not really the point. Don't get me wrong, YOU have to own who you are. If you are polite, and a gentleman, then you open doors, perhaps help a lady with her coat, and you see me often take the arm of an elderly woman into or out of a building. That’s who I am. But NONE of that makes Mom like me, it’s just who I am. If I expected her to like me every time I open the car door, then that’s just manipulative and stupid. Now, I like to believe that Mom loves me for the man that I am, and being helpful and polite is part of that larger whole, but Mom doesn’t like me for being nice and polite. That's just who I try to be, and believe me, there are better reasons.”
That was a mouthful, so I expected him to take a minute to digest. Nope. He didn't miss a beat, “Well then what does make girls like you?”
I paused a beat, took a breath.
“OK, here we go. There are two parts. The first thing is, just don’t NEED them to like you.” Here he looks up at me like I’m crazy. I meet his eyes and look right into them. I let him feel how deep that idea is. This is that moment where his nascent man-brain begins to unfold this tragic realization: That the path of a man is not one of neediness.
I see the fear grow in his eyes. Uh oh, here we go.
“I know, that feels impossible doesn’t it?” I chuckle. I slow down, and look at him letting him see some of my painful sincerity, “And some days it really is impossible...”
Here I sink into the feeling of how hard I work on that neediness equation every day. The tonality of my voice thickens a bit. “But..., if you NEED them to like you..." I let it hang.
"Then what do they really need me for..." not exactly where I was going, but his eyes clicked, his brain locked, and he got it. And the realization of the impossibility of it deepened. I put my hand on his shoulder and visualized my open heart. I visualized my wife who really does love him unconditionally, and whom sometimes I feel like I need.
“It’s going to be fine son. You’re going to be fine. This one can take a lifetime. And luckily, younger ladies feel this less, and it becomes more important as everyone gets older. But even younger girls your age and teenagers, will be more attracted to the boys that are less needy."
I pause here a moment. "Also, you notice that Mom and I teach you how to connect to the Divine Feminine. This will make it so that you won’t feel so crazy if you don’t have a date or if you lose a girlfriend. You won’t feel so dependent and be like one of those guys that always needs a woman and cannot be comfortable within himself. If you learn this and pay attention to it, you will be interesting to women and command the respect of men." I let that hang out there.
“Anyway, I’ve probably loaded you up too much already…”
“Yeah,” he says looking up at me with his eyebrows raised and crooked smirk (smartalec), “You still really haven’t told me anything about how to make girls like you.”
I laughed out loud, “Thats right, because there is no way to MAKE girls like you, you just have to be awesome.” I’m still laughing by the way. He's not happy.
Now he’s really had it. He's mad. He's feeling like he's been fooled.
“Daaaaa…..d” he whines and chortles like a braying lamb….
I slow down, I put my hand back on his shoulder, and I put my other hand on his heart. I slow down. I’ll wait until he looks up. Damn he takes a long time to look up into my eyes. I’m on treacherous ground here; I'm a bit of a teaser, so he's not sure how this is going to go.
“Look, it’s not that bad. To be awesome, what you have to learn in this life is how the Universe works, and I know that sounds crazy, but if you boil it down, it’s as simple as how things go together, and how things come apart.” He’s still puzzled, but the dude’s wicked smart, so I’m just going on a little bit of a leap here.
I'm not sure if it's inspiration or frustration: “Look son, build s**t. Blow s**t up.” I’m gesticulating with my hands, showing the fingers splayed out and interlocking the two hands together, as I explain, “Build things.” And then I pull them apart and say, “...and take them apart, blow them up.”
I run through it a few more times because somehow I think that one more time interlacing my splayed fingers together and apart will make this simple to understand for him.
“Really apply yourself son, and learn how things go together. Learn how they work. Often this will require you to take things apart. Do it. Blow stuff up, take it apart, see its guts. As you learn how things go together, you’ll build more complicated things. You’ll rally your friends and organize them into building even bigger things, and then you need to understand how they come apart. So the boiled-down version is like this: Build s**t. Blow s**t up. Build bigger, and more complex things. Have bigger explosions."
I know I’ve popped his brain a bit, so I’m trying to tie this off.
“Son, it’s all going to be ok, and it’s not actually complicated... rather it’s just difficult in very real ways that will help you to learn and grow in life. So let’s review: First, don’t NEED them to like you. Be your own guy on your own grounded feet. We'll keep talking about what grounded feels like."
"Second, be awesome… get outside, do cool stuff, keep playing the saxophone, go camping, keep skiing and snowboarding, work hard, build cool stuff... then blow it up; hang out with friends that don’t suck. Learn how to motivate those friends into doing cool stuff and building cool things... that you get to blow up later."
"You’ll have plenty of girls interested in what you’ve got going on...
...and we'll keep chatting about how to talk to girls and spend time with them as we go along."
...and we'll keep chatting about how to talk to girls and spend time with them as we go along."
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